Puns part I

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Banning the bra was a big flop.
 
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
 
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
 
Without geometry, life is pointless.
 
When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
 
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
 
A backward poet writes inverse.
 
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
 
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you a flat minor.
 
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
 
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
 
Is a Local Area Network in Australia the LAN down under.
 
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
 
You can tune a piano and you can tune a fish – just use the scales.
 
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
 
What do you get when you cross a humming bird with a doorbell? … A humdinger.
 
What do you get when you cross an elephunt with a rhinosoruos?  ElifIno.
 
I fed some lemon to my cat and now I have a sour puss.
 
A news report indicated that women taking zinc during pregnancy had healthier babies. … This should galvanize support for vitamins containing zinc, I suppose. Is this irony, ore what?
 
What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t show up? 
“Some day my prints will come”.
 
Mary Poppins retired to California and has become a really good astrologer. She specializes in helping people with bad breath. Her shingle reads: ‘Super California Mystic – Expert: Halitosis.’
 
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
 
A party was organised for a crowd of toad-stools. It was very crowded, but they were all happy….
There wasn’t mush-room, but they didn’t mind because they were all such fungi’s
 
I’m sorry. That joke was in spore taste.
 
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
 
How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
 
A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He sidled up to the bar and announced, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
 
What did the stamp say to the envelope?  I’m stuck on you.
(that one was for BigD.)
 
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
 
What did one tomato say to the other?  Catch up.
 
A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle
down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”